Arguments and marriage seem to go hand in hand. Anytime you bring two people together for an extended period of time, disagreements will happen. And due to the intimate nature of marriage, those disagreements can turn into arguments.
But after watching a Ted Talk recently, there may be an “argument” that marriage and arguments don’t have to go together. My friend, Fawn Weaver (Happy Wives Club), is leading the charge in saying we all can have an argument-free marriage. Her marriage has been completely argument free for years.
My marriage is not argument free
I’m sure I’ve had some knock down drag out arguments with my wife. But right now I can’t recall them. I can’t recall what any of the arguments were about, not any details of who started it, or what the result was. That seems to happen frequently after the fire fizzles and the argument subsides.
I’m sure a quick search through my blog will reveal some argument experiences. Thank goodness I blog and tell the whole world about them, so I can remember them later! smh
My guess is whatever we were arguing about was really not that important. It wasn’t important enough for us to even hold onto the memory of it. There are so many vital things happening in our relationship, our family, and our lives that the topic we disagreed on paled in comparison.
My marriage can be argument free
What if that were the case prior to the argument. What if we really evaluated what is most important before we stepped foot into the “ring.” This is one of the main points Fawn makes in her new book, The Argument-Free Marriage. She makes the point that “tomorrow may never come.”
When we take that mindset prior to engaging with our spouse, then our entire perspective changes. The more important things surface. The care we have for our spouse surfaces. The love we share rises to the top. That point we were holding tight to loses it’s grip, and is no longer that important anymore.
I believe this is effective. And if she’s been argument free for the last twelve years, if any married couple has been argument free, then I believe my marriage can be too, and so can yours. Here are three steps to an argument free marriage from Fawn’s Ted Talk and brand new bestselling book, The Argument-Free Marriage.
1 – Don’t count on tomorrow
Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Not one of us is guaranteed to see our spouses another day. When you are ready to have that knock-down drag out argument, say those hurtful things, or do something towards your spouse in spite, remember this — we can’t count on tomorrow.
“The love we share in this moment, is the only love we are guaranteed to give.” (Fawn Weaver) Keeping this perspective will have a major impact on what you say and do in those heated moments.
2 – Understand and obey the law of acceleration
This is the thing that causes you to go from zero to sixty in a matter of moments when our spouses do something that hurts, disappoints, or saddens us. Self-talk is the fuel behind this acceleration. Hurt goes to anger. Disappointment to frustration. Fearful flows to fight ready. And we go from sad to mad.
All vulnerability is gone. We have to catch this self-talk, and flee from it before we are zooming down the road, and the law of acceleration takes us to a place we don’t want to be. Or worse, a place we will regret later (see point #1)
3 – Stick to the original emotion
Our original emotion may be the hurt, the disappointment, or the sadness, but as mentioned above we succumb to the law of acceleration because we don’t want to be vulnerable. That self-talk and the path it leads us to, shields us from the vulnerability.
That vulnerability is the original emotion, the authentic feeling that we must operate from. But it’s scary to do that, and may seem like the weak thing to do. Instead of being vulnerable we gear up and get ready to fight. We argue, we fight, we let anger take over.
It’s a defense mechanism that never addresses the original emotion, and prevents us from coming out better on the other side of it.
I doubted argument-free was possible
I have to admit when Fawn asked me to take a look at her Ted Talk, I thought “okay, this…I don’t know about this.” Not until I watched, then watched again, then decided to learn the principles so I could share with you, did that “aha” moment and that belief set in.
Having an argument-free marriage is possible, and I believe following what I’ve shared above, what Fawn shared in her talk, and the 28 days of challenges she charges us with in her book, is the key to doing so.
I’m accepting Fawn’s challenge and declaring my marriage will be argument free. Will you join me?
[reminder]If you knew without a doubt tomorrow wasn’t promised for your spouse, what one thing would you do for or with him/her today?[/reminder]
photo credit: Matthew and Alison via photopin (license)
video credit: TEDx Talks via YouTube