You hear husbands talk about how lucky, or how blessed, or how thankful they are for their wives. You may also hear people say, “He married up.” What those statements boil down to is admitting that they don’t deserve the woman they get to call “my wife.”
If you’ve read even a limited amount of my blog posts, you can see how I fit in that category as well. I make mistakes, plenty of them, but one of my biggest mistakes started before we were married. That mistake was breaking the trust in our relationship.
I was unfaithful and kept secrets
Through much of our dating years and the first year or two of our marriage, I was not very trustworthy. Stephana could not trust me, and her distrust was valid. I was unfaithful, I kept secrets, I didn’t do what I’d say I’d do, and I didn’t end up where I said I intended to go.
Although the unfaithfulness was before marriage, the seeds of distrust were planted in our relationship. Even a year or two into our marriage Stephana still didn’t feel she could trust me. And anytime I didn’t do what I said, or go where I said I’d go, there was tension.
I had to work to rebuild trust
Over time that trust was rebuilt, and today we have a solid foundation of trust in our marriage. But it took time. And it took both of us doing something about it. My friend Kevin Bullard says there are 5 trust tools that you need to rebuild trust in your marriage if you’ve broken trust, and 5 trust tools needed to rebuild trust when you’ve been hurt.
Below are the 5 T.R.U.S.T. tools needed when you’ve broken trust and my insights.
T – Truth
This is obvious, but the foundational piece of trust is being truthful. If you want to rebuild trust in your marriage, it starts with you being truthful. This opens the door for healing, and builds a “trust account.”
R – Repentance
There is a difference between being caught and reactively telling the truth versus truly choosing to change course and what you’re doing. You have to turn completely from the actions that destroyed the trust.
U – Understanding
This can be hard, but you have to understand and empathize with your spouse about the hurt they’ve experienced as a result of your actions. Even things that seem minor to you must be taken seriously. And give them space to share at their comfort level.
S – Standards
You have to set standards. For me, I limited the places, people, and things that were present when I committed my unfaithful acts before marriage. You may have to take extreme measures, but it’s important and has a major impact on restoring the trust.
T – Time
One of the biggest challenges we faced is I had already repented and had a change of heart. I knew I was done with that stuff, and was a new person. But it took Stephana some time for this to set in. It was frustrating at times, but given enough time we both realized we were in a new place.
If you’ve broken trust, you must exhibit the above behaviors. Those 5 T.R.U.S.T. tools are exactly what you need to have your spouse trust you like nobody else.
Question: What would having these trust tools do for your marriage? You can leave a comment by clicking here.