3 Steps to an Argument-Free Marriage

Arguments and marriage seem to go hand in hand. Anytime you bring two people together for an extended period of time, disagreements will happen. And due to the intimate nature of marriage, those disagreements can turn into arguments.

3 Steps to an Argument-Free Marriage - JackieBledsoe.com

But after watching a Ted Talk recently, there may be an “argument” that marriage and arguments don’t have to go together. My friend, Fawn Weaver (Happy Wives Club), is leading the charge in saying we all can have an argument-free marriage. Her marriage has been completely argument free for years.

My marriage is not argument free

I’m sure I’ve had some knock down drag out arguments with my wife. But right now I can’t recall them. I can’t recall what any of the arguments were about, not any details of who started it, or what the result was. That seems to happen frequently after the fire fizzles and the argument subsides.

I’m sure a quick search through my blog will reveal some argument experiences. Thank goodness I blog and tell the whole world about them, so I can remember them later! smh

My guess is whatever we were arguing about was really not that important. It wasn’t important enough for us to even hold onto the memory of it. There are so many vital things happening in our relationship, our family, and our lives that the topic we disagreed on paled in comparison.

My marriage can be argument free

What if that were the case prior to the argument. What if we really evaluated what is most important before we stepped foot into the “ring.” This is one of the main points Fawn makes in her new book, The Argument-Free Marriage. She makes the point that “tomorrow may never come.”

When we take that mindset prior to engaging with our spouse, then our entire perspective changes. The more important things surface. The care we have for our spouse surfaces. The love we share rises to the top. That point we were holding tight to loses it’s grip, and is no longer that important anymore.

I believe this is effective. And if she’s been argument free for the last twelve years, if any married couple has been argument free, then I believe my marriage can be too, and so can yours. Here are three steps to an argument free marriage from Fawn’s Ted Talk and brand new bestselling book, The Argument-Free Marriage.

1 – Don’t count on tomorrow

Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Not one of us is guaranteed to see our spouses another day. When you are ready to have that knock-down drag out argument, say those hurtful things, or do something towards your spouse in spite, remember this — we can’t count on tomorrow.

“The love we share in this moment, is the only love we are guaranteed to give.” (Fawn Weaver) Keeping this perspective will have a major impact on what you say and do in those heated moments.

2 – Understand and obey the law of acceleration

This is the thing that causes you to go from zero to sixty in a matter of moments when our spouses do something that hurts, disappoints, or saddens us. Self-talk is the fuel behind this acceleration. Hurt goes to anger. Disappointment to frustration. Fearful flows to fight ready. And we go from sad to mad.

All vulnerability is gone. We have to catch this self-talk, and flee from it before we are zooming down the road, and the law of acceleration takes us to a place we don’t want to be. Or worse, a place we will regret later (see point #1)

3 – Stick to the original emotion

Our original emotion may be the hurt, the disappointment, or the sadness, but as mentioned above we succumb to the law of acceleration because we don’t want to be vulnerable. That self-talk and the path it leads us to, shields us from the vulnerability.

That vulnerability is the original emotion, the authentic feeling that we must operate from. But it’s scary to do that, and may seem like the weak thing to do. Instead of being vulnerable we gear up and get ready to fight. We argue, we fight, we let anger take over.

It’s a defense mechanism that never addresses the original emotion, and prevents us from coming out better on the other side of it.

I doubted argument-free was possible

I have to admit when Fawn asked me to take a look at her Ted Talk, I thought “okay, this…I don’t know about this.” Not until I watched, then watched again, then decided to learn the principles so I could share with you, did that “aha” moment and that belief set in.

Having an argument-free marriage is possible, and I believe following what I’ve shared above, what Fawn shared in her talk, and the 28 days of challenges she charges us with in her book, is the key to doing so.

I’m accepting Fawn’s challenge and declaring my marriage will be argument free. Will you join me?

Question: If you knew without a doubt tomorrow wasn’t promised for your spouse, what one thing would you do for or with him/her today? You can leave a comment by clicking here.

photo credit: Matthew and Alison via photopin (license)

video credit: TEDx Talks via YouTube

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Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • Mark

    I would love her as i do unconditionally and try to hive her all she deserves. What i fail it is always telling her i can not live without her. We sometimes take them for granted. Not any more

  • Good Heavens. Marriages have enough obstacles without putting the need to be “Argument Free” on top of it all. This kind of counter-common-sense is really frustrating to me. I think it’s a dance of semantics to say anyone can be free of “arguing.” My wife and I argue. If we didn’t, I’d carry so much unresolved frustration I couldn’t walk straight. It’s dangerous and naive to propose all our contrary marital encounters can be so full of wisdom and enlightenment that we never falter into a hissy fit. Love isn’t about the even waters. It’s about sickness, health, and crappy moods. These bits are good advice, but I’d be so bold as to call the general concept arrogant in it’s assertion and standard.

  • Great stuff here Jackie. I like to use the phrase healthy conflict when having an argument because we do not always have to agree, but we have to figure out a way ahead and create a Win-Win. I always say we should play our roles and if we are the listener we have to be calm enough to hear the other person and not own the problem. If we are the talker we need to express what we are most bothered by not all the other stuff and own the problem. Got this from a book called Why don’t we listen better? Get read and has helped out my relationships. How has your 28-day challenge gone?

    • Healthy conflict…I like it. What Fawn taught in the book and in her book has been really helpful. The biggest help has been the perspective of tomorrow not being promised. It’ll stop you in our tracks from doing or saying something you may later regret.

  • Great post Jackie. I especially love point #1. I can’t believe how quickly the time goes by. And the older I get, the faster it seems to speed by. I remember reading about a study that John Gottman did in regards to arguing couples. His findings were that most couples tend to argue about they same things over and over again. In other words, in most cases, arguments produce very little lasting change. He found that arguments are often rooted in different worldviews, longstanding habits, and differences of personality. And these are things that arguments are not likely to change.

    You are so right. Life is far too short to spend time upset about things that we are not likely to change in our spouse. It’s far better to share love in the moment, and not count on tomorrow when ever possible. Jenny and I most certainly don’t have this all figured out, but I can tell you from personal experience that it is absolutely incredible to be married to a wife who believes this and puts strives to put it into action.

    Thanks for a great reminder of how blessed I am 🙂

    • My pleasure, Jed! Thanks for contributing to the conversation!

  • Jerry Dugan

    Wow! I could have used this information last Friday. I love the simple mindset of “don’t count on tomorrow.” We aren’t guaranteed a tomorrow. Brilliantly simple. I was going to originally get on here and suggest a book called Fight Fair by Tim and Joy Downs. Looks like I have a TED Talk to watch.

    • Ha! Don’t you just love (but kinda hate) when that happens, Jerry. Good content, but it could have saved you if you had a it a few days sooner. lol Thanks for sharing. Yes, check out the TED Talk.